Inevitable.

It’s almost been a quarter of a year since I arrived in Zambia.

Before I moved here, everyone warned me that there would be a day when everything wasn’t so perfect.  When I would wake up from the dream and realize that life isn’t going to be easy and happy all the time just because I’m living in Zambia.  But I foolishly refused to listen.  I smiled and nodded, but inside I was thinking how wrong everyone was.  That my experience would be different.  That after 7 years of waiting for this dream to come true, nothing could ever dampen my joy.  That I would wake up every morning with a smile on my face.  That I would never get tired.  Never get frustrated.  Never get overwhelmed.  That I would be the perfect teacher.  Perfect church member.  Perfect friend.  Perfect missionary.

But I was wrong.

I don’t want you to think that I’m suddenly regretting my move here, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I don’t want you to think that I’m suddenly sad or mad or wishing I was back in America.  But I do want to be honest.  And the truth is that I’m still the same Amy in Zambia as I was in America.  Yes, I feel whole and joy-filled because I wake up every day knowing I’m where God wants me to be, but that doesn’t mean everything is rainbows and roses.  There are hard days.  There are days when I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep on my desk in the office (true story).  There are days when I am completely out of creative ideas for teaching the letter sounds to my struggling grade 1 students.  There are days when I stop answering my phone after it rings 20 times with friends who just want to say “hi.”  There are days when the idea of leaving for church at 8:30 and not getting back till 2:00 makes me want to stay in bed.

Before I moved to Zambia, people kept asking me, “What will you be doing over there?”  That was always a difficult question to answer, because I honestly wasn’t sure.  I knew I would be working with Haven of Hope, but I didn’t know what exactly my role would look like.  And that was 100% okay with me.  I’m a very laid back person, and all I needed to know was that I was moving to Zambia…the rest would fall into place.  But after 3 months, I’m more unsure than ever about what I’m supposed to be focusing my time and energy on.  The need is just SO great and I want to do everything.  I’ve always had a hard time saying no, but that tendency is multiplied by 5 over here.  In addition to the two HOH schools, I also have my church, youth group, Saturday sports, Bible study, another ministry I got hooked up with, teacher training, tutoring, household chores, learning how to cook/speak like a Zambian and an abundance of friendships to invest in.  The hardest part is that ALL these things are good.  ALL these things bring me joy and are things I WANT to do.  But I know myself; and I know that when I’m stretched too thin I start to shut down.  I get frustrated with not being able to put my whole heart into something and I stop doing anything. 

I saw myself starting to go down this path last week and I had a conversation with Satan that went something like this.  “Satan, you are not going to win.  You are not going to make me ineffective.  I have waited TOO long for this and too many people have invested prayer and support into this dream for the story to end like that.  So stop trying.” 

So this week I’m taking a sabbatical.  I hate that I’m a human with limitations, but I’m learning to give myself grace.  I’m learning the difficult life-lesson of how to say no and where to draw boundaries.  I’m praying that God refills me with Himself and with His passion.  I’m praying that He realigns my vision with His and that I learn what things need my attention and what things can be left for someone else.  I’m praying that He teaches me it’s okay to say no and that I can’t always please everyone. 

I’m praying that He teaches me to rejoice in the truth that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness.