Thief.

“Don’t let comparison steal your joy.”

-Theodore Roosevelt-

I read this quotation a few weeks ago, and it’s kind of been haunting me ever since. 

When you’re doing ministry in a foreign country, you tend to hear about and research other ministries in the area.  I’ve started following multiple people’s blogs, befriended a few on facebook, visited 2 ministries and met some new friends around here in Luanshya.  And MOST of the time, I walk away from these interactions feeling encouraged and surrounded by friends.  It’s a precious reminder that we are not alone in this.  Looking around Zambia, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by the amount of need; but hearing more and more stories of other groups who are in this fight with us makes it a little less scary.

But recently I’ve found myself doing this joy-killing thing known as comparison.  Instead of being encouraged by how God has blessed the work of other ministries, I have found myself becoming disheartened.  I walk into new, beautiful classrooms that were built through the generosity and dedication of people around the world and I can’t help but feel jealous.  People tell me to take notes of the beautiful art projects and boxes of dress-up clothes in the kindergarten room and I bitterly say in my head, “Ya, sure.  If I had room in my class for something BESIDES desks, a box of dress-up clothes would be the FIRST thing on my list.”  I know it’s coming and I try to fight it.  I ask God to take away the envy; to take away my terribly selfish mindset that would rather give MY students and MY ministry these incredible schools instead of these equally precious and helpless children. 

And when the jealousy fades away, I’m often left with this tiny, crippling voice inside my head that tells me that Haven of Hope and myself just don’t measure up.  That sending 150 kids to school isn’t going to make a difference in the long run.  That we’ll never have an impact unless we have the facilities of these other programs.  That we’ll never truly help the community until we offer skills training and feeding programs and a farm and everything else these others are doing.  I believe the lies that tell me my students aren’t making progress and they need someone better than me.  I walk into classrooms of other teachers and all I can see is the ways that they are more creative, more disciplined, more loving, more insert-teacher-word-here.  I hear the success stories of other groups and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.  I wonder why my students still fight and struggle with math and forget to say “thank you.”  I look at the people and ministries around me and I feel small.

And then I hear this quotation run my head.  And I realize that I’m doing it.  I’m LETTING comparison steal my joy.  I’m so focused on other people and the things that I don’t have that I’m unable to feel happiness.  And then I remember the undeniable truth of my life: that I am not in Zambia on accident.  Haven of Hope is NOT here by accident.  From the very beginning, our stories have both been God-orchestrated.  He wanted us here, so here we are. 

I just recently shared in church about the story of Peter walking on the water, and I laugh now because I really should have been preaching to myself. 

Because I am Peter. 

Peter saw Jesus doing something incredible and he wanted to be apart of it.  I saw Christ’s work in my life and in Zambia, and I knew I had to jump in. 

Jesus then calls Peter onto the water and Peter goes.  Jesus called me.  I came. 

So then Peter is standing on the water with Jesus and it’s AWESOME.  I mean, he’s freaking WALKING ON WATER.  That’s how I feel most days.  I mean, I’m freaking LIVING IN ZAMBIA.  I am doing the very thing I've dreamt about for the past 6 years.  I get to teach and love the most incredible children in the world.  Every day I get to see Jesus working and experience life in a whole new way. 

But then Peter starts looking at the waves.  And he realizes that he’s just a man.  He’s not Jesus.  He’s not anyone special.  He cannot walk on water.  And he takes his eyes off Jesus.  And he starts to sink.  That’s what I’m doing.  I’m taking my eyes off Jesus and instead looking at the people around me.  I’m realizing that I’m just Amy.  I’m no one special.  And I cannot make a difference in Zambia.  And some days I start to sink.

And that’s when Jesus grabs Peter’s hand.  He speaks those cutting, but loving words, “You of little faith, WHY did you doubt?” 

I think Jesus knew that the person Peter was REALLY doubting was himself.  He didn’t think he could do this incredible thing that Jesus had called him to.  Sure, Jesus had TOLD him to come out of the boat.  Sure, Jesus was right next to him the whole time.  But Peter was too focused on his weaknesses.  He forgot how much Jesus loved him.  He forgot that Jesus would never tell Peter to do something he wouldn’t then help him accomplish.  He forgot that Jesus would NEVER let him drown.  And I guess recently I’ve been forgetting those things too.  I’ve been so busy looking at the waves and counting the ways I don’t measure up, that I forgot none of those things matter when Jesus calls you out of the boat.  I forgot that Jesus is right next to me, standing on this water. 

Teaching in Zambia is never going to be easy.  I have no idea what God is going to make out of this ministry.  I don’t know how many lives we will touch or what kind of impact we will have.  But I do know that I am here for a reason.  I know that, for now, God has entrusted 53 students into my hands.  I know that He also asks me to be faithful in the small before He will ever trust me with the big.  I know that the need in Zambia is beyond my ability and I can only be grateful for the work of fellow volunteers and ministries.  Because in no way is this a competition; no one loses if we are all working towards loving and equipping the people of this country.

Today I am grateful to be called to Haven of Hope.  Yes, we have a long way to go; but that only means that someday I will have a testimony of God’s provision and faithfulness.   I will get to look back and SEE how far He has brought us and how much He has multiplied the small offerings we brought before Him. 

But until then, I will try to keep my eyes on Jesus.