Weary.

It’s almost been a year since I wrote in this blog.  Even now as I sit here, I’m not sure what words to write.  If I’m being totally honest, most of the things that I have to write about aren’t good; which I suppose is the reason I’ve failed to write in so long.  They are ugly and painful and heavy and not what most missionaries want to write about.  We want to show the good stuff.  The beautiful journey God has brought them on.  The victories.  The progress.  The lessons they have learned.  But today I can’t really share those things.

Today I sit here broken.  This past year in Zambia has been one of the most difficult of my life.  I have never felt more alone.  Never faced so many challenges. Never been so overwhelmed by worry and stress.  Never questioned or doubted God’s plan so much.

I have come to learn the truth that when you give you heart to God’s work, the enemy likes to work overtime.  Every step forward you seem to take, Satan is right there to push you back.  He needs you to lose hope and give up.  He loves bringing confusion, frustration, miscommunication, division and discouragement into the things God is trying to accomplish.  He likes making you feel like your voice isn’t heard or your efforts don’t matter.  He loves reminding you how truly damaged this world and the people in it can be.

And when that’s not enough, he simply attacks your heart.  He loves beating you down over and over again until that little bit of passion you once had is completely gone.  And most days, that’s where I feel I am.  Do I love what I do?  Yes.  No question.  I am over the moon in love with the students at Haven of Hope, and I know they deserve someone to fight for them; but some days I wish it didn’t have to be me.  Some days I wish my eyes hadn’t been opened and I could go back to living in blissful unawareness of the pain in this world.  Some days I wish I could go back to normal life and let someone else carry this burden. Some days I wish I didn’t have to rely on other people’s generosity to meet my daily needs.  Some days I simply show up to school and go through the motions.  Some days I wish I didn’t have to feel all alone. 

I can’t tell you how difficult it is to write these words.  To open up my wounded heart and share it with you.  I like being Amy, the girl who never stops smiling.  The girl who gets to live out her dream every day.  The girl who knows she is doing exactly what God created her to do.  But I’m tired of wearing that mask.  It’s exhausting trying to assure everyone I’m okay 100% of the time.  I’ve weary from carrying this burden and it’s time for me to ask for help. 

I need your prayers like never before.  I need prayer for more passion.  To be refueled.  For strength.  For wisdom.  For direction.  For patience.  For trust.  For a submissive heart.  For courage.  For faith.  And most of all, for the love of Christ to be evident in my life.

I hope that you don’t read this and start to worry about me.  I know I’ll be okay.  Even though I might be walking through a valley right now, I am surrounded by people who love me and encourage me daily. I guess I just need to make that team of support a bit bigger.  I’m slowly learning that I can’t always be the one taking care of people…I have to let others hold me up at times. 

Despite the challenges of this year, GOOD things are still happening.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Even on the days when I collapse onto my pillow in tears, I get to fall asleep knowing I am weary from doing something that matters.  I have seen my students improve.  I have so many stories to share of LIFE change.  By simply showing up every day, I get to tell 86 students that they are WORTH my sacrifice.  And even when ministry is overwhelming, God has graciously given me a family here in Zambia that have walked with me every step of the way.  I have a church that encourages and challenges me.  I have friends who listen and give me their shoulder to cry on.  I am blessed beyond measure and I can’t thank God enough for what He’s done in my life.  I know that stages of heartache are simply part of being on the front line.  I also know that God gave me everything and everyone I need to get me through these stages. 

{So with you holding me up, I will keep on fighting.  Because this fight is worth it.}

Thank you for reading this.  For following my journey.  For loving me.  For encouraging me.  For praying.  You will never know how much it means to me.  It is truly the lifeline that keeps me going here in Zambia.

God bless you, dear friends.