Glimpses.

So that you can (maybe) understand why I can't do anything else with my life.

April 28, 2007.  Freshman year at Taylor.  Getting ready to go back to Zambia for the second time.

God, thank you so much that I get to go back to Zambia so soon.  You know my heart and how much I love this country.  I still believe that You have called me to do some sort of work there and I don't ever want anything to get in the way of my fulfilling that call.  I'm sometimes scared that I'll graduate college and be so caught up in a relationship or a job that I'll put off Zambia and end up never going back.  But I don't EVER want a normal life God.  I don't want to be "comfortable" if that means I'm out of your will.  I want adventure and to catch glimpses of your face wherever I go.  I want to see people's lives changed because they know you.  I want to see my life changed because I know you.

June 22, 2007.  Summer after Freshman year.  Second trip to Zambia.

Moses.  Joshua.  Patience.  Benny.  Musonda.  Martha.  Kelvin.   Boaz.  Dorothy.  Kangwa.  Leah.  Carol.  John.  These people and many more have inspired me to live my life as God intended.  They have taught me to be joyful always.  To cherish every moment.  To recognize the important things in life.  To give with a happy heart.  To praise God in every circumstance.  To love recklessly.  Last year's trip made me fall in love with Zambia, but this year's trip made me fall in love with people...actual names and faces.  I am absolutely ruined.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I get back to the States.  How do I begin to tell people about this trip?  I could tell them story after story about people we met, but none of it would really matter to them because they weren't here.  They didn't hold the AIDS baby or walk through the compound or witness the baptisms or attend the rally.  They weren't here.  They don't know.  And I have to remember that and not get frustrated with people.  I'm writing all this down because I know it will happen.  It's basically inevitable.  There are no words to describe an experience like this.  "Amazing" is so cliche, although it is true.  Along with difficult, natural, heart-breaking, heart-lifting, exhausting, rejuvenating, ugly, beautiful, and so much more.  This trip for me can be summed up in NAMES.  And FACES.  The people I met, the children I played with, the pastors I prayed with, the brothers and sisters I praised with.  They are Zambia to me.  They are my mission.  And they are my heart.

November 9, 2007.  Sophomore year at Taylor.

God, I never want to settle for a life that could be pretty good.  I want EVERYTHING that you have in store for me.  I want the adventure you wrote centuries ago.  I want a life worth living.  I don't want to waste the time and resources you have given me, God.  I want to use them for your glory.  And I WANT to take up my cross daily.  Don't let me be afraid of sacrifice, God.  When I get scared and cling to the life I want...please take my hand and do it for me.  Teach me, dear Lord, to do it joyfully.  God, this week has been wonderful and terrible at the same time.  Never have I missed Zambia as much as I did this morning in chapel when the children's choir sang.  I felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest and fly to Zambia.  All day I've had to talk myself out of quitting school and just moving there.  I know you have a purpose for me at Taylor and that, for now, this is my Zambia.  So help me love Upland as much as Mpika.  Help my heart break for the Red Barn kids like it does for the orphans.  And help me be your hands wherever I go.

April 7, 2009.  Junior year at Taylor.

God, I have been so distracted and stressed recently about my future and trying to decide where you want me to go, but I feel like you keep bringing me back to Zambia.  That's where I left part of my heart, and I know that you want me back there.  When I think about Zambia, I think about home...a place where I felt most like the person you've called me to be.  I got an email from John today and my heart just ACHED to be there.  To hold those beautiful children and sing, "There's no one like Jesus" at the top of my lungs!  I praise you for the assurance I have that Zambia is where you are calling me, but there is more involved than just being willing to go.  I know that you can and will make the path straight, but it's so hard to see the big picture.  I just don't want to be irresponsible and leave all the logistics and problems behind.  I want to be able to go to Zambia and not have to worry about things back here--I want to focus all my attention on the ministry you have called me to.  I know that you know all my fears and are asking me to put them in your hands, so I'll try.

January 30, 2010.  Senior year at Taylor.

I'm really mad at you right now.  4 years.  4 years I've been clinging to this dream of Zambia.  I came to Taylor because everyone in my life thought it was a good idea; the only thing that kept me going was the idea that I would get to move to Zambia right after graduation.  And now it feels like you are slamming the door in my face.  Everything is all screwed up, and I feel like the joke is on me.  I know your plan is perfect; at least that's what I have to tell myself right now.  It's kinda hard to truly BELIEVE it when it feels like you're taking this away from me.  Please give me grace right now.  Somehow give me extra faith to trust that you have a plan.  If I give this dream to you and wait on your timing, PLEASE prove to me that you are worth trusting.  I really don't want a reason to doubt your goodness, so I am begging you to be faithful and see this through till the end.

September 21, 2011.  Just finished working at Camp Adventure for a year.  Living at home.  Unsure of what comes next.

"If your vision isn't big enough to intimidate you, then it most likely is insulting to God."

God, I want to find my "Page 23" vision; to pray my sun-stand-still-prayer.  I don't want to go through life the safe way.  I've had glimpses of the incredible plan you have for me, but I'm just held back by self-doubt and fear and not wanting to worry my parents.  So many people have heard my Zambia story and said, "That's cool," but I know they look at me like some naive little girl.  I've tucked it away.  I went to college like a normal 18 year old girl.  I thought about teaching at a normal school; considered nannying; thought I could be happy as a normal housewife.  But I think those were just my attempts to feel safe.  Because in reality, I know you have something big in store for my life...sometimes I'm just afraid to reach for it.  I guess I'm scared that I'll fail and everyone will say, "I told you so."  Or maybe I'm scared that I've idealized this whole thing and I'll end up hating it.  I think I'm also scared of doing it alone and feeling incomplete.  But I don't want to be scared anymore!  I want a story worth telling.  I may not have the whole vision, but here are parts that I do know:

-I have never felt closer to the person God created me to be than when I'm in Zambia.
-I want to have a HOUSE filled with orphans.
-I want to help others discover God's plan for their lives.
-I want to give children a hope for their futures.
-If I ever have money, I want to give as much away as I can.
-I want to help redeem this selfish, materialistic America that I'm apart of.
-I want to make Christianity and Christ BEAUTIFUL to people.

God, USE ME.  My heart is open wide to all that you have for me!  Please!  Don't let me miss out on it.

[2 months later I was on a plane to Zambia for the third time.  3 months later I was coming back to State College in preparation for my move to Zambia.  7 months later I am sitting here trying not to cry as I MARVEL at the ways God has so clearly brought me to this point.  THANK YOU for reading my heart.  Thank you for being part of the journey.]

Fickle.

55 more days.

Fifty.  Five.  More.  Days.

I don't even know how to put into words what I'm feeling.

People keep asking me if I'm nervous, and I can honestly say that of all the emotions going on in my head, that is not one of them.  I know that might seem strange for a 23 year old girl to say about moving to Africa for a year, but I'm entirely too excited and joyful to let nerves get in the way.

I think it has to do with the fact that I've NEVER been more sure of anything in my life.

If you've never heard the song, "Awake My Soul," by Mumford and Sons, I suggest going here (Awake My Soul) and listening asap.  The rest of this blog will make more sense if you do...

I LOVE the line, "Where you invest your love, you invest your life."  (Kinda named my blog after it.) But if you know me at all, you know that the opening line definitely strikes a chord with me.

How fickle my heart.

How fickle, indeed.  Maybe it's because my family moved every 3 or 4 years, but I feel like my life has been a series of "phases."  There was the "I want to be a dolphin trainer at Sea World" phase.  And then the "I want to live in Ireland for the rest of my life" phase.  One day I'm in love with a boy and planning to get married and the next I'm declaring my independence for the rest of my life.  I jump from one television obsession to another.  I considered changing my major every week while I was at Taylor.  

I'm certainly not proud of this part of my personality, but I've come to recognize it's influence in my life.  The biggest which is my habit of second guessing every decision I ever make.  I doubt myself.  I doubt my emotions.  I doubt pretty much everything because I'm terrified I will wake up in a few months having outgrown my latest phase.

There are only a few things in my life that I have NEVER doubted, and they are the things I cling to.  The truths that carry me through.  Truths like:

There IS a God and He loves me and has a beautiful plan for my life.
My parents love me.
Working with children is my passion.
Money will never make me happy.
Kindness and compassion towards others makes my life more joyful.

And the truth that I have know since my senior year of high school, 6 years ago:


I am called to Zambia.

For a girl who struggles against self-doubt every single day, KNOWING something is kind of a big deal.  Having confidence does not come easily.  But God graciously planted this vision DEEP down in my soul so that during the agonizing six year process, I would never give up.  So that when door after door was slammed and it seemed like my dream was fading into the world of "some day," I would be able to cling to the promise of Philippians 1:6.

"being CONFIDENT of this, that He who began a good work in you WILL carry it on to completion."